But why, mama, why…

Oh the questions have begun at our house! This was a conversation I had (while trying to put Tuesday to sleep at 10:30 at night):
Mama where is JoJo right now?
In her bed.
In her room.
In her house.
Where is her house at?
I don’t know.
You don’t know?
I don’t know.
Because I’ve never been there.
And then I started giggling and she realized the why was the funny part and she started doing a sing-songy why thing that did not result in a reasonable bedtime hour. Of course so many questions I can’t answer, like why that guy has a yellow hat on. And then there are questions I don’t want to answer; “why is mama so sad?”
And actually I don’t feel so sad now, but right before my birthday I sure felt like life wasn’t so great. I was almost 12 weeks pregnant and started bleeding. My mind went to all the wrong places right away, but I was comforted that I had just been flying, so it could be the altitude and not to worry until the ultrasound the next day. As soon as the tech put the instrument down I knew it was over. Nothing moved, I let out the most horrible sobs. I just could not believe it.
Ugh the emotional pain. Sure, sure, I’ve heard people say they’ve had a miscarriage, “how bad could it be?” I remember thinking. Well I just don’t think you can know until you have one, and I sure hope you don’t have to have one because it sucks so much. Not only does the emotional pain totally blow but then comes the physical pain. Look, I’ve had an unmedicated vaginal delivery and this was definitely worse. Pain on top of pain? Why not? When you give birth at the end of pregnancy there are contractions with nice breaks in the middle. Not so with this yuckiness. And then a few days after all that pain the actual baby came out and well, I still don’t have words for it. Bj was my hero and saved it so we can bury it under new tulips that will bloom when the baby would have been born, in March.
Needless to say I have not been in a great place. While trying to lay down on the couch and rest, totally unsuccessfully, Tuesday would come up to me and say, “be happy mama.” But I just couldn’t be. Then the hormones evened out a bit and I started throwing myself into projects. And I do feel better. I just didn’t feel like I could come back here where I consider so many of my readers my friends and not say anything about the miscarriage. A couple things I want to add. I don’t know if we are going to have more (biological) kids. It’s ok that we don’t know that. Hearing, “oh just try again immediately” is not fun. I’m also not a fan of, “God has a plan” especially because I’m not religious. I love hearing that people are keeping me in their thoughts. I don’t mind at all if friends say they are sorry and don’t know what to say. Dudes and dudettes, I don’t know what to say either. But life goes on I know, because it’s been almost a month and I’m still here… and I really think I still have it better than most.
Lots of love to you, hope to be more regular in this space soon.

Join the Conversation


  1. Last summer I lost a baby at 17 weeks. It was truly the most emotionally horrific thing I have ever experienced. We went from wanting 3 or 4 kids to maybe thinking our son who is almost three is it for us.
    I still don’t understand why someone has to experience this. But know that though the emotional scar will always be there the constant pain does dull. I’m so sorry for your family’s loss.

  2. I’m so very sorry to hear this news. Hoping you feel better soon. I’ve never been in your situation before, and I’m not really sure what to say except that I wanted you to know that you and BJ will be in my thoughts.

  3. Amber, you and your family are in my thoughts. Take care of yourself. Glad to see you back in this space.

  4. Sometimes there are no good answers to the question “Why?” I will be thinking about both you and your family – I am sorry for your loss.

  5. I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with this/going through this. If you ever need to talk, I’m here!

  6. I’m so sorry Amber! I had a miscarriage about 15 years ago and I still remember the emotional pain and sadness. I’m thinking about you, and even though you aren’t a religious person I hope you won’t mind that I’m praying for you, BJ and sweet Tuesday.

  7. oh wow. I had two miscariages but was never more than a month or so along….emotional pain, yes, but that was all. So I have no words to put out there about having been there. All I can think to say is that here is one more person on the internets sending out a big hug to you and wishing you continued healing in all ways you need.

  8. So sorry to read this, and know that you’ve been hurting. I know we don’t know each other in “real life” but your blog has been an inspiration and an almost daily read. I am definitely keeping you and your family in my thoughts.

  9. Amber, this breaks my heart. I can’t imagine the pain and sadness you are feeling and I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry.
    You are a tough cookie and an inspiration to me and everything I hope to become when I settle down and raise a family. You have plenty of time to make a decision about biological children and a wonderful support system, both in your daily life and here on your blog. There is so much love out there for you and your too-cute-for-words family.
    Hang in there.

  10. Gosh Amber, my heart truly goes out to you. Good job for putting this out there, hopefully it helps you heal. I’m 12 weeks pregnant right now with my second, it’s been a hell of a ride so far (such bad morning sickness). And, I am surrounded by friends who are miscarrying. It is so hard to get through but you will get through it. It seems that these times in general are so full of pain for people on many levels. You are not alone (if that helps any). You are in my thoughts. I’ve loved reading your blog and following your adventures as a family.

  11. I’m glad you gave yourself the space you needed. What a deep sadness to endure. The close paths of our mothering this far make this especially hard to read. Thinking comforting thoughts for you and the whole family, and hoping to see you for a real hug soon…

  12. Amber, I am so sorry for you, BJ and Tuesday. We are thinking of you and wish you brighter happier days soon.

  13. Amber, I am so sorry for you, BJ and tuesday. We are thinking of you and wishing you happier, brighter days soon.

  14. Oh Amber, there are no words. My thoughts are with you and BJ as you find your way through grieving this loss. Sending love your way.

  15. I’m so sorry. I’ve been there, and I know what it is. And I still don’t really know what to say, except that with time it really does get better.

  16. Life can really be crappy sometimes and pretty unfair. I’m glad you can wake up and see Tuesday’s beautiful face everyday and know you have created a beautiful life. Something you and BJ will always be able to call your own. Hope she helps you to get through these difficult days. Those blooming flowers in the spring will be spectacular! Full of their own life. Thinking of you all and sending cyber love and strenght your way.

  17. Oh Amber. I am so sorry for you and BJ (and Tuesday).Thank you for sharing this sad news though, since so many people often don’t speak about it. I hope you feel better. Hugs and kisses to you.

  18. Oh doll, that’s just really bad news. Thank you for letting us all know and bringing us in. We’re sending all our love to your family. I think you are awesomely brave.

  19. Amber, I hope you can find some solace in the community of women who have also been through miscarriages. It was odd that with my first child, I was so careful not to tell anyone until the “appropriate time” in case something happened, but with my second pregnancy, losing the baby never even crossed my mind. I kept thinking I should be so thankful for the one healthy wonderful child I had, yet still felt the loss of something I felt I had never truly had.
    Wishing you Peace. Amy

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