Oh the questions have begun at our house! This was a conversation I had (while trying to put Tuesday to sleep at 10:30 at night):
Mama where is JoJo right now?
In her bed.
In her room.
In her house.
Where is her house at?
I don’t know.
You don’t know?
I don’t know.
Because I’ve never been there.
And then I started giggling and she realized the why was the funny part and she started doing a sing-songy why thing that did not result in a reasonable bedtime hour. Of course so many questions I can’t answer, like why that guy has a yellow hat on. And then there are questions I don’t want to answer; “why is mama so sad?”
And actually I don’t feel so sad now, but right before my birthday I sure felt like life wasn’t so great. I was almost 12 weeks pregnant and started bleeding. My mind went to all the wrong places right away, but I was comforted that I had just been flying, so it could be the altitude and not to worry until the ultrasound the next day. As soon as the tech put the instrument down I knew it was over. Nothing moved, I let out the most horrible sobs. I just could not believe it.
Ugh the emotional pain. Sure, sure, I’ve heard people say they’ve had a miscarriage, “how bad could it be?” I remember thinking. Well I just don’t think you can know until you have one, and I sure hope you don’t have to have one because it sucks so much. Not only does the emotional pain totally blow but then comes the physical pain. Look, I’ve had an unmedicated vaginal delivery and this was definitely worse. Pain on top of pain? Why not? When you give birth at the end of pregnancy there are contractions with nice breaks in the middle. Not so with this yuckiness. And then a few days after all that pain the actual baby came out and well, I still don’t have words for it. Bj was my hero and saved it so we can bury it under new tulips that will bloom when the baby would have been born, in March.
Needless to say I have not been in a great place. While trying to lay down on the couch and rest, totally unsuccessfully, Tuesday would come up to me and say, “be happy mama.” But I just couldn’t be. Then the hormones evened out a bit and I started throwing myself into projects. And I do feel better. I just didn’t feel like I could come back here where I consider so many of my readers my friends and not say anything about the miscarriage. A couple things I want to add. I don’t know if we are going to have more (biological) kids. It’s ok that we don’t know that. Hearing, “oh just try again immediately” is not fun. I’m also not a fan of, “God has a plan” especially because I’m not religious. I love hearing that people are keeping me in their thoughts. I don’t mind at all if friends say they are sorry and don’t know what to say. Dudes and dudettes, I don’t know what to say either. But life goes on I know, because it’s been almost a month and I’m still here… and I really think I still have it better than most.
Lots of love to you, hope to be more regular in this space soon.